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Vic and Sade Old Time Radio Scripts

Vic, Chef for Dinner, Quotes Pantley on Peanuts

By Paul Rhymer

 

vicandsade

Announcer: Well sir, it’s time for the noon-day meal as we enter the small house half-way up in the next block now, and here in the kitchen we discover activities in progress toward that end. And these activities are being conducted by no less a person than Victor R. Gook - who is wearing an apron and who is setting the table. Since his wife is standing over her ironing board, we judge she's drafted her husband into service. Shall we listen to their talk? O.K.

VIC: The table it set, kiddo. I have done my best. An' looking over the work I cannot but feel a little proud.
SADE: Move over so I can see.
VIC: You'll notice that a symmetry of pattern has been striven for. you'll notice how the cutlery gleams an' shines. I have achieved an inviting atmosphere in my table-setting an'...
SADE: It's the knife and spoon that go together. Not the fork an' spoon. The fork goes by itself.
VIC: A situation easily remedied.
SADE: You have got 'em right at Rush's place.
VIC: Of course, I never make the same mistake twice. Since this type of endeavor is new to me, I was careful to feel my way. Very very deliberately I...
SADE: You've got two yards more table-cloth hangin' down one end of the table than you have hangin' down the other end.
VIC: Yes, so I have. Well, a simple flick of the wrist will...
SADE: No, better leave it be. You'll knock things over. Why is it you put on the salt-shaker outa the dining room set an' the pepper shaker outa the kitchen set?
VIC: Have I done that?
SADE: You can see they don't match, can'tcha?
VIC: I like to inject variety into my work. The salt-shaker contrasts with the pepper-shaker. It eliminates the danger of gettin' 'em mixed up.
SADE: I don't see how. Neither one's transparent. An' there's no printin' on 'em.
VIC: If you feel that I should go get the other...
SADE: No, they'll do. You ready to dish up your corn an' things now?
VIC: You bet.
SADE: Use the blue-bordered saucers there on the stove.
VIC: I will. Or die.
SADE: I hear Rush talkin' to somebody out in the alley. Guess he's gonna show up on time for once.
VIC: It'll be a thrill for him to eat a meal prepared by the expert hands of his father.
SADE: Yeah. How's your meat?
VIC: Done to a turn.
SADE: Put it on the plate then.
VIC: I thought I'd let it writhe a moment or two longer in its own rich juices.
SADE: [giggles] All right.
VIC: Ain't you surprised to find out what a handy man I can be around the kitchen?
SADE: Uh-huh. Got bread cut?
VIC: I have. It's arranged neatly in the center of the table. An' a cleverly sliced chunk of butter sleeps close beside it.
SADE: I expect we oughta open a glass of jelly for sweet.
VIC: That too has been has been anticipated by the man in charge. A glass of jelly has been opened. If you look you'll see it lurking coyly behind the sugar bowl.
SADE: Thought of everything, huh? I'd dish up my meat now. I hear Rush outside.
VIC: You ready to sit down to dinner?
SADE: Just about. All I hafta do is finish this shirt.
VIC: Will you be through with your ironing then?
SADE: Lands, no. I'll be on the jump till two o'clock. See all I got left in my clothes-basket?
VIC: Yeah.
SADE: Maybe you an' Rush will do the dishes?
VIC: Maybe. This the knife you jab the meat with?
SADE: Uh-huh. Say, ya know the magazine that come yesterday?
VIC: Your woman's magazine?
SADE: Yes. Did you bother it?
VIC: I never bother women's magazines.
SADE: Looks to me like somebody... Watch out there ya don't splatter hot... That's all right... looks to me like somebody musta tore a page outa that magazine.
VIC: Why?
SADE: Because I was talkin' to Mis' Harris over the phone this morning an' she told me about a cake plate offer they got. Where you can get one for fifty cents. Exactly the cake plate I been wantin' so long. I leafed through my  copy of the magazine an' couldn't find head or tail of it. An' it's the same magazine, I know.
VIC: Maybe Rush can throw some light on the matter.
SADE: I'll certainly ask him. If I can get a cake plate for fifty cents I wanta know about it. They're so handy an' good-lookin' a person'd be foolish  not to take advantage of... Better use a cloth, Vic, that'll be terrible hot.
VIC: My hands are hard an' horny with toil. They... Ouch!
SADE: See. You'll find a little towel hangin' on the hook behind the stove.
VIC: What become  of that guy you heard out in the alley just now?
SADE: Rush? He might of got talkin' with... Here he comes. [Door Opens]
VIC: Get out.
RUSH: [Laughing] Who says so?
VIC: I  say so, you scoundrel.
RUSH: C'mon out in the alley an' fight me then. [Door closes] Hi, mom.
SADE: Hi. Who'd you talk with so long outside?
RUSH: Rooster Davis.
SADE: What's he doin' in this neighborhood at noon-time?
RUSH: Gonna eat dinner with his aunt.
SADE: Oh.
VIC: Clear the track. Here comes the waitress.
SADE: [To Rush] Your father got dinner today.
RUSH: That so? Smells good.
VIC: Gonna taste good, too. Ladies an' gentlemen, dinner is announced.
SADE: How about your potatoes?
VIC: Coming up. Pray be seated, friends.
RUSH: [To Sade] Gov cook the meat?
SADE: Uh-huh.
RUSH: Didn't think he had it in him.
VIC: [Off a little] Am I being insulted behind my back?
RUSH: I'm throwing bouquets at ya, gov.
VIC: Don't hit me in the eye with one while I'm carryin' this dish of potatoes. [Closer] Everybody settled an' happy?
SADE: Things do look good, Vic.
VIC: Things are good.
SADE:
Here, I'll take 'em.
VIC: Dig in, George. You're due for adventures in fancy flavor.
RUSH: [Chuckles] O.K.
SADE: Sit Down, Vic. I think you got everything on.
VIC: Sure I have. Never-miss-a-trick Thompson they call me.
SADE: [Giggles] What on earth did you do to the jelly?
VIC: There's nothing amiss with the jelly.
SADE: Ya slice it?
VIC: I did.
SADE: Why?
VIC: Because I always have my nose out for new ideas. I never stand still. I scout around for the novel an' the revolutionary. Sliced jelly is my own invention. It may sweep the world. How's that bite of meat, Haile?
RUSH: Good.
VIC: Perhaps you mean wonderful.
RUSH: Round-steak never is what you'd call wonderful. It's good, but...
VIC: It's good, but it'd be wonderful if it was anything besides round-steak. That what you mean?
RUSH: [Chuckles] Yeah.
VIC: I am appeased.
SADE: [Approvingly] Not bad at all.
VIC: Say it positively rather than negatively, kiddo. Instead of "Not bad at all," say Good as can be."
SADE: [Giggles] All right--good as can be. See how it is to cook something nice an' then fish for compliments? You always josh me about doin' that an' here you are doin' it yourself.
VIC: I wasn't fishin' for compliments, Sade. I was fishin' for justice. Have a slab of sliced jelly.
SADE: [Giggles] Sure.
RUSH: Say, did we have a swell assembly this morning. Best assembly we've had since I been goin' to high school.
SADE: What'd they have?
RUSH: They had an animal trainer. An', boy, was he a whiz. Well, I'll tell ya what he done:-- he determined my life's work for me.
SADE: You gonna be an animal trainer?
RUSH: If I'm not a professional animal trainer, at least I'll be an amateur animal trainer.
SADE: What kind of animals did he have?
RUSH: Didn't have any. He didn't need any. I said he was an animal trainer, didn't I?
SADE: Uh-huh.
RUSH: Well, he ain't so much of an animal trainer as he is an animal charmer.
SADE: Charmer, huh?
RUSH: Yeah. He hypnotizes 'em.
SADE: Snakes?
RUSH: Anything. Doggone, ya oughta see his eyes bulge out. Enough to make ya sick.
VIC: Why don't you folks eat? Instead of wastin' your time with idle chatter.
SADE: We're eatin'.
VIC: You find things satisfactory?
SADE: Excellent.
VIC: Potatoes the way you like 'em?
SADE: Uh-huh. See how it is to be a cook? If you've taken any pains at all you hafta be told how nice everything is every minute.
VIC: The musician must have his applause.
SADE: Exactly.
RUSH: This animal-charmer-guy can work on people too.
SADE: Yes?
RUSH: Makes 'em weak as a rag. It's the way he  looks at 'em an' the way he talks to 'em.
SADE: How's he look at 'em?
RUSH: Put down your knife an' fork once an' gaze in my eyes.
VIC: Aw, shucks, Harry, you're crampin' my style. Let your mother enjoy her dinner.
RUSH: This'll only take a minute. O.K., mom, gaze into my eyes.
SADE: I don't think you washed your forehead very good when you left school this noon.
RUSH: Don't look at my forehead. Look in my eyes.
VIC: Who wants another shot of potato?
RUSH: One second, gov. Now concentrate.
VIC: Huh?
RUSH: talkin' to you, mom.
SADE: What'll I concentrate about?
RUSH: Nothin' in particular. Just make your mind a blank.
SADE: You're gonna have a mole under your left eye some day. You got exactly the same kind of little spot that Uncle Fletcher had when he was younger.
RUSH: Don't look under my eye. Look in my eye.
SADE: Which one?
RUSH: Both of 'em
SADE: You can't look in both a person's eyes, son. Hafta choose one or the other.
RUSH: O.K. Choose one.
VIC: Wish people around here'd eat. A man breaks his back building the dinner of the century.
RUSH: Just half a second, gov. Concentratin', mom.
SADE: Uh-huh.
RUSH: Are my eyes bulgin'?
SADE: No.
RUSH: Bulgin' a little ain't they?
SADE: Look awful stare-y.
RUSH: Fine. Now we're gettin' there. Keep concentratin'.
VIC: I'll queer your act sometime, Pete. Someday you'll be showin' your girl how you can throw your knee out of joint an' I'll come along an'...
RUSH: This works better in silence, gov. Feel your brain slippin', mom?
SADE: No.
RUSH: Don't ya feel kinda hazy an' dreamy an' weak as a rag?
SADE: [Giggles] No.
RUSH: Try my other eye.
SADE: I guess I'll eat my dinner.
VIC: Sure. An' you better do the same thing, friend. Won't get another dinner like this  prob'ly for the next forty years. Can I help you to potatoes, kiddo?
SADE: All right.
VIC: you haven't taken much of your corn.
SADE: I will though.
VIC: Taste suit you?
SADE: Taste is very good.
VIC: Notice a barely perceptible difference in flavor?
SADE: Why... I don't know. Did you fix it different than I told you to?
VIC: I brought into play a little notion of my own.
SADE: What was that?
VIC: I vigorously shook the can.
SADE: Why?
VIC: On the theory that corn, allowed to settle over a period of time, allows it's more delicious elements to settle to the bottom.
SADE: [Giggles] Aw.
VIC: That theory might very well be true. By shaking the can, all the various little flavors are mixed deliciously together.
SADE: Canned corn's only got one flavor.
VIC: There's where you lack vision as a cook, Sade. Your real artist works along the line that nothing is impossible. When I was preparing this corn I made myself believe that it had forty flavors. I made it my aim to bring those forty flavors to the surface.
RUSH: I can only taste thirty-eight of 'em, gov.
VIC: Your levity is misplaced, Lester. Did you ever hear of Walter B. Pantley?
RUSH: No.
VIC: The dirt-track discus-dodger of Des Moines?
RUSH: [Neg] Uh-uh.
VIC: His chief claim to fame was the discovery of the second flavor in peanuts.
RUSH: Second flavor in peanuts?
VIC: Yeah. There's two flavors in peanuts.
RUSH: I only know of one.
VIC: Look: you've eaten a batch of peanuts.
RUSH: O.K.
VIC: When you first began on the peanuts they had one flavor.
RUSH: Yeah?
VIC: After you've got down a whole sackful they taste a little different. Ain't that right?
RUSH: Why...a... Yes, I guess it is.
VIC: The discovery of Walter B. Pantley.
RUSH: I don't see how you can call it a discovery.
VIC: I don't see why I can't call it a discovery.
RUSH: Everybody know that about peanuts.
VIC: Yes, but who, besides Walter B. Pantley, had the courage of his convictions an' got his discovery registered at the Capitol building in Washington, D.C.?
RUSH: He do all that?
VIC: He did all that. Now when you go to Washington, D.C., you notice great crowds standin' in front of a metal tablet, sacred to the memory of Walter B. Pantley, discoverer of the second flavor in peanuts. Have another piece of steak?
RUSH: Sure.
VIC: You, Sade?
SADE: I believe I can stand just a smidgen.
VIC: Is this a good dinner or ain't it a good dinner?
SADE AND RUSH: Good dinner.
END OF SCRIPT

ANNOUNCER: And so we've sat at the table with Vic, Sade, and young Rush Gook, who have been eating a meal prepared by the head of the family, and who have been talking about this, that, and the other thing.

 

1935

 

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